If you are a student in London, or in fact, any sort of university student, you will quickly become the master of an art commonly known as 'Procrastination' or in layman's terms: Eat, Sleep, Facebook. For those of you yet amateurs at this task, I have written my own personal guide to the much under-appreciated art of Procrastination.
To begin an effective day of procrastination one wakes up around 1 o'clock. This substantially shortens the time in which you might feel guilt about not studying and can dedicate a suitable number of hours to Procrastination. Ideally, for optimum Procrastination Potential, you should wake up with a hangover. This gives you an extra hour and a half to groan in bed/ observe your drunken bruises and wonder how you got them/ try not to puke. Bonus points for waking up with someone in your bed- this gives you an extra half an hour to wonder who they are/ hope they leave soon/ contemplate various outrageous scenarios about how they got there.
If capable of eating, 'breakfast' is on the agenda (normally pizza/ some other sort of leftover from the night before). One must then move on to the god of Procrastination- Facebook. Whether you are facebook stalking, judging people's photos, updating your status, or simply refreshing the 'Home' page in the hopes that something of use/ interest might actually appear, Facebook can provide a successful Procrastinator with hours of harmless fun. At this point it is normally 4 in the afternoon. Depending on your state of mind you may, in fact, decide to go back to bed, as 4-6 is optimum student 'nap-time'. Failing sleep however you may be struck by the unnatural desire to actually do some university work out of sheer boredom/ a desire to not fail your degree. This unnatural impulse must be ignored- once work begins one is no longer Procrastinating. Therefore one must choose between either watching TV, tidying one's room or showering. This can take up to two hours and includes a mixture of all three 'essential' activities.
By six o'clock, food (normally take-out- cooking is too much effort) is once more on the agenda, followed by human interaction with those in your building. This human interaction usually includes more comparisons of war stories, anecdotes about drunken escapades and the usual drunken gossip about who shagged the ugly-est/ fat-est/ wierd-est/ kinky-est random the night before. By eight o'clock, whilst still nauseous from the night before, you may begin pre-drinking, leave the house (already drunk) for a club at 11 and if your next conscious memory is that of your bed the next afternoon, you may congratulate yourself on having successfully Procrastinated all day.
The Not So Virginal Mary (failing her degree)
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